a guide to emoticons written by someone who...

a guide to emoticons written by someone who doesn’t understand actual human faces

:) — trying to pacify someone by acting happy. very suspicious.
: ) — trying to convey authentic happiness. still very suspicious.
;) — attempt at seduction. hinting at inside joke. probably both.
; ) — a more sterile version of the previous.
:D — enthusiasm tainted by insanity.
:DD — extreme enthusiasm. “rabid with excitement”, and/or actual rabies.
:DDD(any number of Ds) — sarcastic enthusiasm.
;D — the face you make as you betray your fellows and escape with the loot.
XD — uncontrollable laughter.
:] — bashful, heartfelt gladness. very trustworthy!
:> — playful, impish, self-satisfied.
>:) — schadenfreude anticipation.
>:D — sadistic joy.
:S — confusion. airheadedness. do people actually use this?
:P — mild derision. “I’m kidding”. resignation to gallows humor.
: P — as above, but more lifelessness and resignation.
;P — derision, but trying to soften the blow with a bit of flirting.
:| — boredom. regret. semi-apologetic.
:\ — disappointment.
:/ — did you actually expect this to be any different? as above.
:( — pure sadness.
: ( — condolences. sympathy, without visceral experience of the sad.
;( — melodramatic sadness
:[ — sadness tinged with hopelessness.
:< — victim-face. but you’re actually enjoying it.
:C — dropped your icecream cone.
:O — surprise, amazement, wonder, wordless shock.
:0 — muted surprise.
>:( — anger.
>:[ — frustration.
>:0 — indignation.
Any of the colon/semi-colon emoticons, but reversed [ie. (:, 0:, &c.]: I am a heartless deceiver here to fuck with you. I have abandoned my humanity: life and beauty mean nothing to me. OR, I’m using an app that converts orthodox emoticons into weird yellow faces, and I’m trying to avoid that.
^_^ — content. eager to please. very friendly.
;_; — shock/horror.
;___; — waterworks of self-pity.
TT_TT — even more self-pity.
o_o — wtf, man.
o_O — you’re crazy, but I am also crazy.
>_> — suspicion. or suspiciousness.
>_< — embarrassment. annoyed at self.
-_- — annoyed at other.
=_= — “I’m too old for this shit”/”I’ve been awake for 72 hours”.